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Just Out of Reach
I lost you that day. I had been holding onto the idea of you for so long. I once had a dream of you. I was nursing you and holding you so close. I heard someone whisper your name into my ear. I wanted nothing more than to continue to cherish that moment. I’ve wanted nothing more than for that dream to come true my sweet darling baby girl. But I’ve aged and I haven’t found my person to start that life with. I mourn you more and more every day. The idea of that life feels like it is in my past, not something that can happen now. It…
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I’m Ready Now
I wait. I listen. I’m on this journey. Sometimes it doesn’t go the way that I envision it. But you see the big picture. You know what is next in this journey. You have given me the strength to take the next steps. What I didn’t know is that you have been putting this on my heart for years. Maybe it’s been part of your plan and I was trying to take a different path. I’m ready now. I’m ready to make peace with the next step. It means that I have to make peace with coming to terms of not being a biological mom. I’m ready to be a…
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Like a Toddler
When I reach for your hand I expect it to be there like always. No matter what you grab it back without hesitation. That’s what makes you so amazing God! I often pull my hand away saying “I’ve got this!” But in reality that’s when I need you the most. I’ve learned to hang onto your hand even when you feel far away. Right now I need to hang onto your hand like a toddler would. I just want you to be so close as I struggle with my pain again. I need you to comfort me. Holding your hand feels so comforting. Can you walk with me as I…
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Surrendering Control
The past few months have been a struggle for me personally. I have spent several moments with God in the waiting room or doctor’s office in the past few months. More than I have wanted to, but it has been necessary to try to track down what is happening with my body. I have been struggling with pelvic pain off and on for a few months now. Every doctor visit I have had I have spent time in prayer while waiting for the doctor to enter the room. And it has given me so much peace knowing that He is in the room with me every time I have to…
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Be a Unicorn
She made her way into the crowd of people. Recognizing only one face in the sea of many, she glanced down at the ground. Thoughts rushed into her mind like: am I supposed to be here? Is this the right place and time? I hope can find someone I know. Then her heart started racing and her palms got extremely sweaty, which she then inserted into her pockets. Soon, she made her way to the nearest wall and leaned against it, hoping that she could blend in. The awkwardness crept in even further as more and more people entered into the space. She desperately searched the crowd for a familiar…
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I Need You, Always
Note: This is a super personal post ahead. But I need to share how God showed up for me through a recent valley. The worry set in. It was troubling. I knew what I needed to do. I made the make call to the doctor. This pain, it had gone on long enough. I needed some answers and relief. I scheduled my appointment thinking that maybe, just maybe I’ll cancel it if it feels better. My appointment was two weeks away. The date of my appointment quickly approached. I couldn’t deny that I still was experiencing the pain and discomfort. I sat in my car before my appointment in prayer.…
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Doing Life Together
It is my hand that you reach for It is my love that you seek It is my strength that you desire Yet you cry out to me asking for help But I am right there beside you In all your days, I sit waiting for you to call upon my name You choose to do things your way You struggle, you are confused You long for control All you do is fight it Not trusting my word You put your life on hold due to fear Enjoy every moment that I give you For each is precious, each is a gift Let your worries be mine Let…
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Anticipate Him
Laying in my bed with three fleece blankets and my quilt all on top of me I was very snuggly. However, I was awake. The clock across the room was staring back at me mocking me with its bright red numbers; 2:34. I laid there for a bit longer. Then I decided to plant my feet on the ground and make my way to the bathroom. Once I was done, I made my way back to my snuggly bed. I laid back down slowly. Once back in my bed with all four of my covers on top of me I could feel that my nose was dripping a bit. Worry…
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That Mountain
Off in the distance, I see this mountain. It looks quite large. As I approach, it is a lot larger than I though it was. Initially, I thought I could make it up the mountain when I saw it from the distance, but as I approached closer, I realized that it was going to be near impossible to make it to the top of the mountain. I camped out at the bottom of the mountain for days. I debated if I should try to make the accent up the mountain. I finally decided to try to make my way up the mountain. I felt like I had the right gear…
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It Is All Yours
Open your eyes. I am here, right with you through it all. I came into this world just like you did. I paid the ultimate price. But you question me. Do you not trust me? How can that be? Every moment has been planned by me. My grace covers your sin. You have all of these questions. I gave you all of this free will. I can’t explain it to you, but yes, I do question. I don’t always understand who I am. Through your lens I can see a bit of who I am. I am who you say I am. In you, I am made new. You have…