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Just Out of Reach
I lost you that day. I had been holding onto the idea of you for so long. I once had a dream of you. I was nursing you and holding you so close. I heard someone whisper your name into my ear. I wanted nothing more than to continue to cherish that moment. I’ve wanted nothing more than for that dream to come true my sweet darling baby girl. But I’ve aged and I haven’t found my person to start that life with. I mourn you more and more every day. The idea of that life feels like it is in my past, not something that can happen now. It…
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God’s the Gardner
God’s the gardener and He needs to pick the weeds out. The weeds of doubts. The weeds of the lies that you tell yourself. If you let Him pull out the weeds from your life, there is more space for His love and more space for Him to help you along the path that He has prepared. Maybe you feel as if your garden is full of weeds and nothing good can ever come from it. Let Him work in your garden (heart & mind) to restore your bed to a more natural way. Letting God is difficult when you don’t feel like you measure up or if there is…
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Interrupt
I knew I was struggling, I just didn’t know how much I was struggling until I took a moment to stop and pause. The last couple of years have really been a lot. My anxiety has definitely increased. I knew I needed to figure out the cause of my heart palpitations. They seemed random. I could tell that when I felt out of control, they were worse or increased in frequency. So I started to interrupt the cycle. Just a little at a time. I started with a daily devotional book, Jesus Calling. Then I introduce another daily devotional via the Bible app on my phone. Then I introduce mediation.…
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I’m Ready Now
I wait. I listen. I’m on this journey. Sometimes it doesn’t go the way that I envision it. But you see the big picture. You know what is next in this journey. You have given me the strength to take the next steps. What I didn’t know is that you have been putting this on my heart for years. Maybe it’s been part of your plan and I was trying to take a different path. I’m ready now. I’m ready to make peace with the next step. It means that I have to make peace with coming to terms of not being a biological mom. I’m ready to be a…
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You Are In Control
I give it all to you fully. You know what is in my heart. You know what is on my mind. You even know how much I want to be pain free! What you are teaching me in these moments is incredible. While, I would rather be pain free, I have a new perspective. Each day is a gift. And each good day I have is even that much more special. You care for me more than I even can imagine. I am trusting you fully to get me through this. I have my faith, even if my life isn’t pain free at the moment, the moments I spend with…
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Be a Unicorn
She made her way into the crowd of people. Recognizing only one face in the sea of many, she glanced down at the ground. Thoughts rushed into her mind like: am I supposed to be here? Is this the right place and time? I hope can find someone I know. Then her heart started racing and her palms got extremely sweaty, which she then inserted into her pockets. Soon, she made her way to the nearest wall and leaned against it, hoping that she could blend in. The awkwardness crept in even further as more and more people entered into the space. She desperately searched the crowd for a familiar…
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Mistake?
Today I had a conversation with my counselor and it was mind blowing how I have been framing things. I get caught up in the what if’s, particularly the negative ones. She tried to walk me back to why this frame of mind existed. We did get there eventually. But let me back up for a minute. Yes, I am seeing a counselor and I admit that I need help to break free from my anxieties. In particular there is one I am trying hard to break free of: moving out on my own. I get trapped in the cycle of all the stuff that may not work out in…
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Anticipate Him
Laying in my bed with three fleece blankets and my quilt all on top of me I was very snuggly. However, I was awake. The clock across the room was staring back at me mocking me with its bright red numbers; 2:34. I laid there for a bit longer. Then I decided to plant my feet on the ground and make my way to the bathroom. Once I was done, I made my way back to my snuggly bed. I laid back down slowly. Once back in my bed with all four of my covers on top of me I could feel that my nose was dripping a bit. Worry…
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That Mountain
Off in the distance, I see this mountain. It looks quite large. As I approach, it is a lot larger than I though it was. Initially, I thought I could make it up the mountain when I saw it from the distance, but as I approached closer, I realized that it was going to be near impossible to make it to the top of the mountain. I camped out at the bottom of the mountain for days. I debated if I should try to make the accent up the mountain. I finally decided to try to make my way up the mountain. I felt like I had the right gear…
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The Smallest Things
It was a rough start to my day. I couldn’t find my work badge. I searched and searched and searched for it. I checked every room in the house. I checked my purse, twice! I checked my car, also twice. I even checked by the mailbox. No such luck. I even stopped by the one place I visited the day prior to check their parking lot. Still nothing. I made my way into work without my badge. All I could think about once I got up to my cube was where was my badge. Eventually I made my way to the security area to have a new badge made. The…