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Just Out of Reach
I lost you that day. I had been holding onto the idea of you for so long. I once had a dream of you. I was nursing you and holding you so close. I heard someone whisper your name into my ear. I wanted nothing more than to continue to cherish that moment. I’ve wanted nothing more than for that dream to come true my sweet darling baby girl. But I’ve aged and I haven’t found my person to start that life with. I mourn you more and more every day. The idea of that life feels like it is in my past, not something that can happen now. It…
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Interrupt
I knew I was struggling, I just didn’t know how much I was struggling until I took a moment to stop and pause. The last couple of years have really been a lot. My anxiety has definitely increased. I knew I needed to figure out the cause of my heart palpitations. They seemed random. I could tell that when I felt out of control, they were worse or increased in frequency. So I started to interrupt the cycle. Just a little at a time. I started with a daily devotional book, Jesus Calling. Then I introduce another daily devotional via the Bible app on my phone. Then I introduce mediation.…
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Evict Anger
What anger do you need to evict from your life? Do you need to forgive yourself? Are you holding onto a grudge from many years ago? It’s time to let those go. How do you let go of the anger that you hold deep within your heart? You can pray to God asking him to clear your heart of this anger. You can focus on the positive moments. You could spend time in nature. There are so many options. Holding onto anger is not good for your soul. It takes up room in your heart and brain that could be replaced with so much more than anger. If anger holds…
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Hanging on to Hope
At 37 I never thought I would be here. Single. No children. No family. It hurts. It is so painful. And sometimes lonely. It’s been awhile since I have had a good cry about this fact. Today, yes, the tears just kept coming. I don’t have some magical wand that will make my emotions just disappear. The desire is so strong and I have wanted this for so long. But honestly, it might not even happen. How do I grieve that lost opportunity? I can’t, because its just too hard to bear the pain. Right now I don’t feel strong. I feel so weak, so powerless because I have absolutely…
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Holding on to Hope
You are hope. Yes! I have been in some deep valleys medically speaking for some time now. I cling to you when I struggle with pain. When I have days without pain, I praise your name! Every day without pain is a blessing. Those moments are so precious. Recently I was blessed with several weeks of “good” days, so much so that I almost forgot what the pain felt like. In those really good moments, I was able to take advantage of how I felt to bless others and also be a more productive worker. I am just so thankful for all of the good days I had. Unfortunately, my…
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Surrendering Control
The past few months have been a struggle for me personally. I have spent several moments with God in the waiting room or doctor’s office in the past few months. More than I have wanted to, but it has been necessary to try to track down what is happening with my body. I have been struggling with pelvic pain off and on for a few months now. Every doctor visit I have had I have spent time in prayer while waiting for the doctor to enter the room. And it has given me so much peace knowing that He is in the room with me every time I have to…
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Be a Unicorn
She made her way into the crowd of people. Recognizing only one face in the sea of many, she glanced down at the ground. Thoughts rushed into her mind like: am I supposed to be here? Is this the right place and time? I hope can find someone I know. Then her heart started racing and her palms got extremely sweaty, which she then inserted into her pockets. Soon, she made her way to the nearest wall and leaned against it, hoping that she could blend in. The awkwardness crept in even further as more and more people entered into the space. She desperately searched the crowd for a familiar…
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Life On Hold
In this season of waiting, how much are you moving to line yourself up with God? How much are you pouring yourself into His work and plans for your life while you wait for that thing that you desperately want? Do you pursue Him with all your heart, mind, and soul? How much of your attention is taken over by this thing you want to pursue? There are many forces in this world that tell us that what we have isn’t enough. If you are single, go pursue a relationship. If you live in a modest home, go buy a bigger one. If you own a car that is over…
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That Mountain
Off in the distance, I see this mountain. It looks quite large. As I approach, it is a lot larger than I though it was. Initially, I thought I could make it up the mountain when I saw it from the distance, but as I approached closer, I realized that it was going to be near impossible to make it to the top of the mountain. I camped out at the bottom of the mountain for days. I debated if I should try to make the accent up the mountain. I finally decided to try to make my way up the mountain. I felt like I had the right gear…
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You Are Enough
A few weeks ago I became too obsessed over a guy. Yes, wow, a guy! He had shown interest in me at the time. All I could think about was the possibility of going on a date with him. It went even further, I started thinking about kissing him. I hate to admit, but I thought about him more than I did God. What is even worse is that I have done this before. The last time I was obsessed with a guy it was way worse than my current obsession. I thought about dating him for years. I even reached out to him to see if he was interested.…