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Hanging on to Hope
At 37 I never thought I would be here. Single. No children. No family. It hurts. It is so painful. And sometimes lonely. It’s been awhile since I have had a good cry about this fact. Today, yes, the tears just kept coming. I don’t have some magical wand that will make my emotions just disappear. The desire is so strong and I have wanted this for so long. But honestly, it might not even happen. How do I grieve that lost opportunity? I can’t, because its just too hard to bear the pain. Right now I don’t feel strong. I feel so weak, so powerless because I have absolutely…
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Eyes Wide Open
Hi there! It has been a while since I last posted, and boy the world sure has changed! Honestly, I think it has taken me some time to get used to the way things are now. It is like a storm rolled through and I am still recovering from the aftermath of that storm. Here is what I know though: God is good. You can choose to be happy. You can also choose to be mad. You can choose to accept the way life is now. Through it all, God will be by your side no matter what. Choose to live your life with your eyes wide open. This time…
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The Light God Left On
I wrote this piece many years ago now. I re-read it today and wanted to post this message: Off in the distance you see a bright light shining. You begin to walk towards it not knowing that what to expect. The closer you get to the light the brighter it gets. Fear sets in when you are so close to the light that you can almost touch it. You get scared and stop in your tracks not knowing if you should continue walking towards the light. But for those that have walked even closer to the light, they have gotten a reward that is so amazing that it cannot be…
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Holding on to Hope
You are hope. Yes! I have been in some deep valleys medically speaking for some time now. I cling to you when I struggle with pain. When I have days without pain, I praise your name! Every day without pain is a blessing. Those moments are so precious. Recently I was blessed with several weeks of “good” days, so much so that I almost forgot what the pain felt like. In those really good moments, I was able to take advantage of how I felt to bless others and also be a more productive worker. I am just so thankful for all of the good days I had. Unfortunately, my…
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All In
I have been living on the sidelines a lot because fear just takes over my mind. It is paralyzing. So much so, that I can’t even move towards the thing I say I really want. I have let opportunities pass me by because I am too scared to take the leap or too scared the next step isn’t the right step. I over analyzing, over think, and just freeze. There are just so many opportunities I have lost out on because I was too scared to jump in and trust my own abilities to tackle that new and scary opportunity. I wish it wasn’t true. When I have my moments…
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You Are In Control
I give it all to you fully. You know what is in my heart. You know what is on my mind. You even know how much I want to be pain free! What you are teaching me in these moments is incredible. While, I would rather be pain free, I have a new perspective. Each day is a gift. And each good day I have is even that much more special. You care for me more than I even can imagine. I am trusting you fully to get me through this. I have my faith, even if my life isn’t pain free at the moment, the moments I spend with…
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Present
For as long as I can remember it has been a struggle for me to fully live in the present moment. I know that one of my issues is that I love to have control over my life. I am a planner, so this is just naturally built into my being. It is a hard thing to break free from. Since I need to have control, I start planning everything and running through every scenario that could potentially happen. Yes, it is exhausting! And often times it leaves me paralyzed. I can’t think any more and I can’t move forward. It brings to mind this verse in Matthew 6:34 (NLT):…
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Send an Army
Lauren Daigle’s lyrics to Rescue have been running through my mind for the past week. I have felt like I have needed rescuing. Rescuing from this pain that I have had for a couple of months. It has taken a lot out of me. I am not the me I want to be. I cringe in pain. I am distracted. I’m not fully present. I want to sleep a lot. The thing I want the most is to not have this pain anymore. I want to be rescued from this pain. Can you send me an army? God, I found your army. They are here with me. Again, in pain…
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Surrendering Control
The past few months have been a struggle for me personally. I have spent several moments with God in the waiting room or doctor’s office in the past few months. More than I have wanted to, but it has been necessary to try to track down what is happening with my body. I have been struggling with pelvic pain off and on for a few months now. Every doctor visit I have had I have spent time in prayer while waiting for the doctor to enter the room. And it has given me so much peace knowing that He is in the room with me every time I have to…
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Be a Unicorn
She made her way into the crowd of people. Recognizing only one face in the sea of many, she glanced down at the ground. Thoughts rushed into her mind like: am I supposed to be here? Is this the right place and time? I hope can find someone I know. Then her heart started racing and her palms got extremely sweaty, which she then inserted into her pockets. Soon, she made her way to the nearest wall and leaned against it, hoping that she could blend in. The awkwardness crept in even further as more and more people entered into the space. She desperately searched the crowd for a familiar…