Trusting
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Unheard Voices of the Childless
I walk into the house and on the floor is a huge pile of toys and books. The kitchen counters are clutters with dishes and rags. My daughter’s room off to the right has a bed unmade, thousands of toys on the floor and clothes everywhere. I see my husband in the kitchen cooking dinner and my baby in the high chair playing with some toys. My daughter isn’t far away, sitting in our living room watching Curious George. However, this isn’t my life, not even close. I’m single with no children. I’ve never been in a long term relationship and at this stage in my life have little hope…
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Just Out of Reach
I lost you that day. I had been holding onto the idea of you for so long. I once had a dream of you. I was nursing you and holding you so close. I heard someone whisper your name into my ear. I wanted nothing more than to continue to cherish that moment. I’ve wanted nothing more than for that dream to come true my sweet darling baby girl. But I’ve aged and I haven’t found my person to start that life with. I mourn you more and more every day. The idea of that life feels like it is in my past, not something that can happen now. It…
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Interrupt
I knew I was struggling, I just didn’t know how much I was struggling until I took a moment to stop and pause. The last couple of years have really been a lot. My anxiety has definitely increased. I knew I needed to figure out the cause of my heart palpitations. They seemed random. I could tell that when I felt out of control, they were worse or increased in frequency. So I started to interrupt the cycle. Just a little at a time. I started with a daily devotional book, Jesus Calling. Then I introduce another daily devotional via the Bible app on my phone. Then I introduce mediation.…
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Like a Toddler
When I reach for your hand I expect it to be there like always. No matter what you grab it back without hesitation. That’s what makes you so amazing God! I often pull my hand away saying “I’ve got this!” But in reality that’s when I need you the most. I’ve learned to hang onto your hand even when you feel far away. Right now I need to hang onto your hand like a toddler would. I just want you to be so close as I struggle with my pain again. I need you to comfort me. Holding your hand feels so comforting. Can you walk with me as I…
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Hanging on to Hope
At 37 I never thought I would be here. Single. No children. No family. It hurts. It is so painful. And sometimes lonely. It’s been awhile since I have had a good cry about this fact. Today, yes, the tears just kept coming. I don’t have some magical wand that will make my emotions just disappear. The desire is so strong and I have wanted this for so long. But honestly, it might not even happen. How do I grieve that lost opportunity? I can’t, because its just too hard to bear the pain. Right now I don’t feel strong. I feel so weak, so powerless because I have absolutely…
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Holding on to Hope
You are hope. Yes! I have been in some deep valleys medically speaking for some time now. I cling to you when I struggle with pain. When I have days without pain, I praise your name! Every day without pain is a blessing. Those moments are so precious. Recently I was blessed with several weeks of “good” days, so much so that I almost forgot what the pain felt like. In those really good moments, I was able to take advantage of how I felt to bless others and also be a more productive worker. I am just so thankful for all of the good days I had. Unfortunately, my…
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You Are In Control
I give it all to you fully. You know what is in my heart. You know what is on my mind. You even know how much I want to be pain free! What you are teaching me in these moments is incredible. While, I would rather be pain free, I have a new perspective. Each day is a gift. And each good day I have is even that much more special. You care for me more than I even can imagine. I am trusting you fully to get me through this. I have my faith, even if my life isn’t pain free at the moment, the moments I spend with…
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Surrendering Control
The past few months have been a struggle for me personally. I have spent several moments with God in the waiting room or doctor’s office in the past few months. More than I have wanted to, but it has been necessary to try to track down what is happening with my body. I have been struggling with pelvic pain off and on for a few months now. Every doctor visit I have had I have spent time in prayer while waiting for the doctor to enter the room. And it has given me so much peace knowing that He is in the room with me every time I have to…
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Can you hear me?
Prayer has been a topic that has been on my mind for some time now. It was recently brought to the forefront again after listening to a message about praying big. For me, prayer is what helped start my faith journey. I was in sixth grade at the time. I had just learned that my uncle was dying from cancer and the prospects did not look good. At the time, I didn’t know much about God or prayer for that matter. But I had a bedtime prayer in a frame on my wall in my bedroom. I took it upon myself to memorize that prayer and I used it as…
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I Need You, Always
Note: This is a super personal post ahead. But I need to share how God showed up for me through a recent valley. The worry set in. It was troubling. I knew what I needed to do. I made the make call to the doctor. This pain, it had gone on long enough. I needed some answers and relief. I scheduled my appointment thinking that maybe, just maybe I’ll cancel it if it feels better. My appointment was two weeks away. The date of my appointment quickly approached. I couldn’t deny that I still was experiencing the pain and discomfort. I sat in my car before my appointment in prayer.…