Unheard Voices of the Childless

I walk into the house and on the floor is a huge pile of toys and books. The kitchen counters are clutters with dishes and rags. My daughter’s room off to the right has a bed unmade, thousands of toys on the floor and clothes everywhere. I see my husband in the kitchen cooking dinner and my baby in the high chair playing with some toys. My daughter isn’t far away, sitting in our living room watching Curious George.

However, this isn’t my life, not even close. I’m single with no children. I’ve never been in a long term relationship and at this stage in my life have little hope that it will even happen. Becoming a parent is still something I’m weighing quite heavily. My heart grows heavy every time I think that being a mom isn’t in my future. Tears collect in my eyes a lot because of this. There are so many days now that I wish things were different.

I wish I could been seen more. I wish more people could talk and share about this. I’ve been struggling a lot lately. It isn’t easy finding the support I need or want. I want someone to recognize that I have struggles too even if you don’t see me talking about them. That I experienced deep hurt and pain, and that pain has been growing a deep valley in my heart. There are more hard moments than there used to me. It could be because I’m prayerfully considering adoption or it could because I’m getting older or both.

I even had those parenting moments recently with my niece and nephew. Sometimes I don’t know how to handle something or what to do/say, but I know that if I was given the opportunity to parent that I’d find my way. I feel like God promised me a daughter such a long time ago. It’s hard to let her go. That image of me nursing her. I even heard her name, although I don’t remember it now. That doesn’t matter anymore because I think I know what I would name her today if given the chance.

How do I have faith that God will be by my side through this, especially after having such vivid dream about her? I have to believe that there is something in this that he’ll be using. Right now, I’m wanting to find others like me. Others who just need a space to heal, to grieve, to be heard without someone suggesting a different path. Since so many of you know me, if you know of someone who could benefit from connecting, please send them my way. I pray that this isn’t the end of my journey to motherhood and that there is some miracle waiting in my future.