Just Out of Reach

I lost you that day. I had been holding onto the idea of you for so long. I once had a dream of you. I was nursing you and holding you so close. I heard someone whisper your name into my ear. I wanted nothing more than to continue to cherish that moment. I’ve wanted nothing more than for that dream to come true my sweet darling baby girl. But I’ve aged and I haven’t found my person to start that life with. I mourn you more and more every day. The idea of that life feels like it is in my past, not something that can happen now. It probably will never be reality for me. I thought I grieved you, but truly I want nothing more than to hold you right now. The tears are coming so fast right now, I can’t simply let you go. How can something that is so deeply desired like that be so far out of reach. Why can’t I have what others have? Why can’t I have that life? Where is the God who promised you to me? I heard Him whisper your name into my very ear in that dream.

The dream continues to be out of reach. It is especially out of reach now that I continue to make no headways on adopting. I feel like some of the world is telling me that I shouldn’t be a mother. Not now, not ever. I don’t feel like I have what it takes. There is slowness in the process and setbacks that cause me to step back and wonder, am I on the path that God wants me to be on? Am I fit to be a mom? Can I really do this on my own?

Then I go back to you, baby girl. I’m holding you so very close. I just want to call you my own. You are who I’ve dreamed of. You are who I’ve wanted to raise and help be a confident young lady one day. Strong, mighty, and your own. Not letting the world take you down. But I realize, that is what I want for me. That’s what I need. I need that confidence. I need to love myself for me. So I look to help myself find those things. To instill that confidence in myself so that I feel unstoppable. Because only then can I be your mom. I won’t ever know all that I need to know to be your mom, but I will know that I have your back no matter what. You are who I love now and forever.

So dear daughter, please be yourself. Be who I taught you to be. Kind, generous, patient, loving, caring and most of all just be you! You can be happy for your accomplishments both big and small. No one can take those things away from you. As I write this, I’m also writing to myself. I’m reminding myself that I can be these things to. Be a God fearing and loving human being. For I put you first and love you with all of my heart.