Trusting

Interrupt

I knew I was struggling, I just didn’t know how much I was struggling until I took a moment to stop and pause. The last couple of years have really been a lot. My anxiety has definitely increased. I knew I needed to figure out the cause of my heart palpitations. They seemed random. I could tell that when I felt out of control, they were worse or increased in frequency. So I started to interrupt the cycle. Just a little at a time. I started with a daily devotional book, Jesus Calling. Then I introduce another daily devotional via the Bible app on my phone. Then I introduce mediation. This is when I started really noticing a change. I even introduce a couple of times a day where I listen to Christian music too. I decided to purposely put more of my time with God. I found a Christian person I listen to for mediation. I’d have to say that this was life changing for me.

I didn’t know that I needed to pause, but God knew. That’s why He was sending me signals, even though I didn’t know that’s what they were at first. He knew that I had too many thoughts rolling around in my head and that I really just needed those moments to just be in that moment. I have a hard time being with my own thoughts or just being still. It’s a go go world. I’m reminded of Martha and Mary. I needed to just be in God’s presence more.

What has been on my mind? It’s more like, what hasn’t been on my mind. I’ve paused a lot on my thoughts about adoption. It was only this past summer where I was finally able to grieve the idea of having my own biological child. I’m so scared about parenting alone. I wonder if I can do it on my own. Wondering if I’ll be enough for a child. Wondering how I’m going to handle those hard moments. Wondering how I’ll talk to them about their adoption story. Just all of the normal parenting worries plus some additional that come with adoption. I think I’ll eventually do it. I just need to put my faith and trust in Him that He will help me with this path. I get stuck in the what if’s and what could be’s. I get too caught up in the future, that I don’t think about why I want to pursue this. I think I’ll be a great mom! I have lots of love and lots of patience. I know that I want a child in my life. I want to help that child fulfill their dreams as a person. I want them to have strong character. I want them to have so much more confidence than I ever had growing up. Just most of all, I want them to fill loved. So deeply loved that they know that there’s a God out there who loves them even more.

It’s okay that I have taken this pause. I need to take the time to really explore all of my feelings. I need to get my anxiety under control. I definitely feel a lot better and have way less of the experiences I once was having. I think I still have a bit more work to do. I’m eager to get started on this adoption thing. He’s called me to move forward. It’s been on my heart since a teenager. I just need to believe that I can do it with His help.

One Comment

  • Sue K

    Wow, this is great! I’m so proud of you for seeking out what God was leading you to do with your palpitations & then doing it. You explored self-care in a way that I wish I would have years ago. Well done!
    You will be a terrific mom when that time comes