Hanging on to Hope

At 37 I never thought I would be here. Single. No children. No family. It hurts. It is so painful. And sometimes lonely. It’s been awhile since I have had a good cry about this fact. Today, yes, the tears just kept coming.

I don’t have some magical wand that will make my emotions just disappear. The desire is so strong and I have wanted this for so long. But honestly, it might not even happen. How do I grieve that lost opportunity? I can’t, because its just too hard to bear the pain. Right now I don’t feel strong. I feel so weak, so powerless because I have absolutely no control over this. I admit that there options out there, but I’m not very keen on the artificial route. I am open to adoption, which I may pursue at some point.

I am reminded of Sarah and Abraham in the Bible. God promised her a child at an old age. I believe very much that God promised me a child a long time ago. I hang onto that as much as I can as I make my way through life still single and still no children. I hope its true that that I get to hold her one day.

I may feel hopeless. I may feel unlovable. I may feel pathetic. But I hang onto these promises:

Romans 12:12 – Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

Romans 8:25 – But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently

Ephesians 3:18-19 – And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

YES! There are so many verses I could use to aid myself right now. These are just a few. He reminds me yet again how deep His love is for me. No matter where life takes me, He holds me in His hands. This is what I hold onto in these moments of doubt. There is still hope. And I will continue to pray that He will guide me through wherever life takes me.