You Are In Control

I give it all to you fully. You know what is in my heart. You know what is on my mind. You even know how much I want to be pain free! What you are teaching me in these moments is incredible. While, I would rather be pain free, I have a new perspective. Each day is a gift. And each good day I have is even that much more special. You care for me more than I even can imagine. I am trusting you fully to get me through this. I have my faith, even if my life isn’t pain free at the moment, the moments I spend with you are what I live for!

I visited a different OB/GYN this past Friday. He was super nice and wants to try to help me get to the bottom of what is happening. However, I still don’t have a diagnosis. I am planning on trying a few things suggested by him to me. I am hopeful that maybe something will even just ease the pain or make it occur less often. These types of appointments make me super nervous and I was even more nervous because I chose a male provider. Yes, my choice and I made the choice for a specific reason. Anyways, I was sitting in the room waiting for him to enter. I spent those moments crocheting. But even before crocheting, I prayed. I asked you to come into this room and to have everything in your hands. He entered the room to talk with me about my symptoms.

After my discussing what has been occurring, he mentioned that it would be best to do an exam. I had prepared myself for this possibility, but everything in my being just wanted to run right out of the room and fast! I first escaped to the bathroom then came back into the room to get ready for what was to come. I sat on the exam table waiting for him to come back in with this soft white sheet draped across my lower half. It felt like I was waiting forever for him to come back in. This made me more nervous and what was worse, is that it was freezing in there! Because I didn’t have my crochet to take my mind off of things I decided to pray. So, I sat there moving around my feet and in prayer with you. I asked you to calm my mind and to let the doctor see and feel what he would need to in order to help me find out what is happening within my body. I was in prayer with you for a long time. There were even some quiet moments just sitting in your presence. Then I got distracted, because I kept thinking in my mind that he didn’t even ask about if I have had intercourse. I think most people just sort of assume at my age that it would be a given. But yeah, me and my unicorn status kept thinking about what was going to happen during the exam.

Finally, he came back into the room. He sat down and started talking to me about what was going to happen……the only thing on my mind was that I had to say something about my status. So, as he was talking to me about every women’s favorite instrument related to these visits, I seriously just blurted out that I never have had sex. It was awkward! And I took him by surprise. I wanted him to have the information so that he could be more careful and take his time. Even when the exam hurt I focused in on you God.

Through all of this I have learned to rely on you even more. When I am in a lot of pain I turn my focus to you to help me push through those moments. When I have a good day I thank you for that! When I have an upcoming appointment I turn to you in prayer asking you to prepare my mind and body for what will happen. When I am struggling the most I ask you to help me find someone to pray with. I live each day in those day’s moments. I try not to live in yesterday’s moments or tomorrow’s moments, because only today is what is in front of me. This is how I want to try to live each of my days. You God are in control.