Happy Faith-versary!
July 28th
Not much I remember about this day except that I chose to give my life to you on that day. I said come into my life and let me know even more about who you are. The other thing that sticks out about this date, is that I had a fight with my mom. I am not proud of it and I’m going to guess, I was probably to blame. I can’t even remember what we fought about, but I remember after that I had made my way to my bedroom and was in tears on my bed. It was there and then that I said, Jesus I need you and I want you in my life. I know what you have done for me. I know that I’ve messed up and I am ready to follow you.
I had been wanting to take this step for awhile, so I had sought out some good Christian friends who were willing to help me through the process. They helped me to understand what it was that I needed to do to have you in my life. I don’t think I felt very changed that day, in fact, I am going to guess that I felt pretty crappy after that fight with my mom.
You know my weakest link. What I dislike the most is displeasing people or going against the grain. It was hard to know how to live out what you called me to do while living with my parents. You know, I wouldn’t place them in the believer category. It’s a spectrum with them…..they will say that they believe in God and then the next minute criticize Christians and say they don’t know what they believe. I had such a hard time going against that grain, and honestly still do. It’s an epic battle that it is happening in my mind. When I let you fight the battle, of course you win but when I try to fight the battle myself, guess what I loose and I end up feeling really crappy.
The first adult I shared my story with was my high school English teacher in a journal entry. I wrote for three or four pages sharing my story. I am pretty sure that is the first time I actually wrote it down. It was powerful! And when I read it back, it is very fun to see my early faith and how I viewed things that you had showed me so far.
From there, you started prompting me to attend a local Christian college. I doubted that I was ready. I tried to tell you that I didn’t know enough about you to go there. I also said that I can’t even get in, I need a pastor’s reference, there’s no way that will happen. So I ignored your tugging. I took my own path. Still, I felt the tugging throughout that first semester. I started looking harder at the application and started writing out why I wanted to go there. It was more obvious to the “older and more mature me” that I needed to be there, but still didn’t feel ready yet. So I waited yet another year and half before I finally said, “Okay God, I get it, I need to be there. So me the way.” It was amazing how you showed up for me throughout that process. I can’t deny that you won that battle! You showed up in ways that I would have never guessed. When I asked for a pastor’s reference at the church that I had attended a handful of times I was turned down. I questioned you. I was so sure that you had directed me to that college, so why did this roadblock show up. Oh wait, that’s because you had some bigger and better planned. I reached out to the admissions office explaining my situation and was given another option. If someone could account for my faith, then I could use that. I was accepted! This college was the best thing for me. My faith grew so much there. You provided me with so many adult Christian mentors.
I still choose to hide though. When I am with my parents, it is like my faith lives underground. I don’t like that. It makes it even harder because I’m living with them. I have a hard time being me. I can’t live out the person I am 100%. I don’t want to offend them. So often I let the fear win. I don’t let you even enter the battle. I know that you could win. I try to fight on my own relying on what I knew before your spirit came into me. I need to let you fight the battle. I need to let you come onto that battlefield with me. As I sit here typing what I realize is that I haven’t even asked you to come into this place. I often forget to pray about my situation. I forget to ask you to show up in ways that I can’t even imagine. I forget to ask you to let your power and strength carry me through the tough conversations. Let my words be the words that they need to hear at that right time. Let me just live my life so that they can see my joy. It is hard to remember that in the moments where I am knee deep in. I’m asking you to help me to remember. Prompt me to pray when you feel far. I invite you into this place so that I could see a heart shift in them.