I Need You, Always

Note: This is a super personal post ahead. But I need to share how God showed up for me through a recent valley.

The worry set in. It was troubling. I knew what I needed to do. I made the make call to the doctor. This pain, it had gone on long enough. I needed some answers and relief. I scheduled my appointment thinking that maybe, just maybe I’ll cancel it if it feels better. My appointment was two weeks away. The date of my appointment quickly approached. I couldn’t deny that I still was experiencing the pain and discomfort.

I sat in my car before my appointment in prayer. I prayed that this pain/discomfort I have been having would be nothing. The amount of courage I needed to enter the building was 7.5 on a scale from 1 to 10 with 10 being extreme courage. Eventually, I made my way in knowing that I couldn’t deny it anymore. It is real, it does exist, and I need to find out what to do next. The receptionist handed me a form to fill out. Symptoms. Again, I wanted to deny them. It took every part of my being to write what I was experiencing. Symptoms: under arm pain/discomfort radiating into my breast. This is real! Then I noted that I needed my thyroid levels retested, as mine had not been normal earlier this year. Okay, whew! Done! I swiped away on my phone looking for a distraction as I waited in the waiting room. Eventually the nurse came for me. This is really happening!!

She asked me a bit about my symptoms, but not a ton. Then took my blood for the thyroid test. Tick, tick, tick. I waited and waited. Again, I tried to distract myself with my phone. Finally, my doctor entered the room. She asked me more about my symptoms and performed an exam. It was a relief when she said that she didn’t feel anything. But the next words out her mouth I was not expecting. “I could order a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound, but you don’t need to schedule this right away. If you would like, you could wait a month to see if your symptoms subside and then schedule.” I was frozen in fear by these words. I had expected an ultrasound, but not for her to recommend a mammogram. I felt “too young”, but in those moments felt old.

I’d love to admit that after these moments I went immediately into prayer, but that didn’t happen. The panic set in. Fear. Worry. Worse case scenarios played out in my head. It was intense! I prayed a bit for clarity and direction. I knew in my hearts of hearts what I needed to do to calm my fears and worst-case scenarios. I needed to schedule the tests. On my courage scale, this rated about a 9! I hated admitting that I needed to do this, but I also knew that I “needed” to do it for me and my peace of mind.

Once I scheduled, I gave over as much as I could to God. I was so scared to be scheduled for my first mammogram. As well as not knowing what this pain was. I went between moments of God, you’ve got this and utter fear and worry! During my faith walk, I have put a lot of good Christians around me. I reached out to several asking for prayer. It felt amazing to have so many people praying for me even thought they might not have known the reason why. I truly felt that “care” that I needed in those moments leading up to the day of my tests.

The morning of: I wake up, in prayer. Giving it all to Him. Just lead me through this. Let it be nothing. Give me peace, comfort and strength to make it through the day. Then I opened up my email. I saw in my email a daily email that I receive from a local radio station. I don’t always open and read them but chose to on this day. Its note was perfect for the day: Let Jesus Carry the Load. I couldn’t have said it more perfectly. I gave it ALL to Him! Also, in my mind was the song “Help Me Find It” by Sidewalk Prophets. Both were what I needed to feel Him.

Again, I made my way to where my appointment was and when I got there, I once again sat in my car in prayer. Praying everything would go okay. Be nothing! Let me just feel you in every moment there. The staff at the center were amazing to me! I can’t really say that it was a pleasant experience, because for me it was one of the scariest moments in my life to date. But yes, it was comforting to have such welcoming staff. I needed that. Wait, did you just show up there God? Yes, I believe you did.

I entered the room where the mammogram was going to take place. The technician asked me a lot of questions. I was nervous the whole time. Then she asked me where it hurt so that she could place a sticker there for the radiologist to know which area to look at. She also told me that there was a 99% chance that I would also have the ultrasound done as well. She finished the scan and then had me wait while the radiologist reviewed the pictures. This took about 5-10 minutes. I distracted myself with the magazines. Then I was told yes, I would need the ultrasound as well. Knowing that this was likely going to happen I wasn’t too worried. If I hadn’t been told that right away, I think I would have worried.

Then another technician performed my ultrasound and that was more focused on my area of pain. That was hard, because then I was bothered by the pain more. But I tried my best to focus on other things. Once that was finished, I had to wait again for the radiologist to review the images. This was another 5 minutes at least. I distracted myself again with the magazines. Then I went back into the room. The technician gave me good news! “All healthy, normal! But.” Geez, there is a but. Really? What can this but represent? “But you have a dominant/large lymph node in your armpit. It appears healthy and normal as well. Any questions?” I was a bit taken a back. I couldn’t think of any. I was relieved? Yes, that was the feeling I had, but also trying to figure out what this large lymph node represented.

I walked out mostly relieved. I felt Him in those moments of utter fear and unknown. He stepped in when I needed Him the most. Comforting me with His presence at exactly the right moments. It was a relief to know why I was experiencing the symptoms that I was, however, I also felt that I needed to know how to handle the pain going forward. I sat on this for a few days before reaching out to the doctor. She gave me some advice, which I did do a bit. Rest. Soak in warm water. Don’t lift anything heavy. Then something amazing happened later that week. I didn’t feel pain that morning. I felt it in the afternoon, but that morning was blissful. Then Friday came, again no pain. And Saturday, no pain. This has continued for about a week now. Sometimes I feel it a bit but comparing it to before it is minimal or isn’t there all the time like it had been. I give Him all the credit since I continue to give this to Him each day asking for relief and continued relief. I hope that this is the end of this.

Again, I am in awe of individuals who are fighting cancer or for their lives. These people are my heroes! Give Him anything. Pray about it all! Nothing is too small. He will provide you with what you need. His grace and presence continue to amaze me through it all.