Life On Hold

In this season of waiting, how much are you moving to line yourself up with God? How much are you pouring yourself into His work and plans for your life while you wait for that thing that you desperately want? Do you pursue Him with all your heart, mind, and soul? How much of your attention is taken over by this thing you want to pursue? There are many forces in this world that tell us that what we have isn’t enough. If you are single, go pursue a relationship. If you live in a modest home, go buy a bigger one. If you own a car that is over ten years old, it is time to consider purchasing a new one. I personally struggle with each of these, but I struggle the most with the first one, being single.

While each of these areas is unique, for me they all seem inter-related. It has been extremely difficult for me to open my heart up to new experiences and letting go of the past. Several years ago, now I had been what I felt was called to put in an offer on a house that I generally fell in love with. I asked God for signs hoping to confirm my decision. A day before I made my decision I remember asking for a clear sign as to if this was meant to be. At the time, I felt that I received that sign. It was a postcard in the mail from a realtor. I felt like that was a clear sign to move ahead with this. So, I made my decision to put in an offer. The next day, I heard it was accepted. Panic started filling up my mind with negative thoughts. They whispered to me:

                “No, you can’t do this.”

                “This isn’t the time.”

                “You are going to be all alone, and you are going to hate it.”

Those thoughts, they got to me. I wanted to back out. I knew that my opportunity to undo my decision was after the home inspection. And that is what I did. I felt horrible after taking back my offer. I messed up. I knew it. I felt horrible for my realtor and for the sellers. I listened to the negativity more than I listened to God’s voice at that time. I couldn’t hear Him. It felt as if He went silent ever since the postcard. Since I felt like I couldn’t hear Him, and the other voices were so loud, I listened to them instead of trying to find God’s voice.

There is a lot of pressure in this world to be independent and out on your own. I often feel ashamed, weird, and sometimes like a loser when I must admit to people that I live with my parents. What is a thirty some year-old doing living with their parents still? Crap, haven’t you grown up? My biggest fear of being out on my own is being lonely. It incapacitates me to the point that every time I get close to moving forward with living on my own, I freak out and just say, nope, next time. I put it on hold until I feel ready. But really, will I ever feel ready? Based on my baptism experience and other life experiences, I know that I will never truly feel ready. God will jump in at the exact moment I need Him the most. I just need to trust Him while I walk through that silence. In that moment, I decided to place my life on hold until I felt ready, and not when God said I was ready.

God had already equipped me with what I needed to take on that challenge, the problem was that I didn’t believe it. So here I am sitting in the exact same spot many years later. I don’t feel ready. I don’t feel equipped. But you know what, as I write this I realize that God has already filled up my tool box with the exact items I need. I need to seek Him out. He needs to become my focus when I feel weak. The lyrics from Lauren Daigle’s You Say “You say I am strong when I think I am weak” remind me that You, God lift me up when I feel the weak. All I need to do is call out to you. The tools are there, in the box. Trust, patience, prayer, and Christian friendships. Just pull out the tool when you need it.

Psalm 28:7-8 (NLT)

The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. The Lord gives his people strength. He is a safe fortress of his anointed king.

I struggle deeply with opening my heart and trusting that He has me while I wait. I’ll give you this thought: we shouldn’t focus on the waiting, but instead, we should focus in on how we make the most of the season that we are in at any given moment. Being single has given me the opportunity to pursue a wide range of interests and activities that I would not have had the time for if I was instead in a relationship. I found new areas of passion and crossed several items off my bucket list of things I have wanted to tackle. Receiving my MBA, serving on a non-profit board, run a 5k, etc. The list goes on. I have since added to my list. The biggest item on my list is independent of my relationship status, even though it will be harder as a single individual. I have long wanted to adopt a child. This area of interest has been even greater in recent years. The best thing about this dream, is that I can have it as a single person and accomplish it. I know that it will be harder, and I will constantly be challenged: emotionally, physically, and financially, but it is a God sized dream. It is deep in my heart and with the amount of passion I have I know that through Him I can do it. First, I need to establish a healthy lifestyle and emotional state so that I am in this place that is the best for raising a child. I know that I still have work to do in this area because I still struggle with being on my own for a while. However, during this time while I seek out others who have adopted or investigate what paths might be more feasible for me I choose to also seek Him out as well. He can help me grow into the person I need to be to be a great mom. He can help me find the resources I need to help make this a possibility. He can help me find great people to connect with that have gone down this path so that I know that I am not alone. This is the mindset you need to take while you are waiting. The Here I am Waiting mindset should instead be replaced by In this moment I am Growing.

Colossians 2:7

Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.

The more and more you learn to rely on Him the more the roots you have in Him are deeper. You are watering the roots when you place your faith and trust in Him. He gives you this life. The plant that gets the water will grow beautifully. Also, when there are times of drought (struggle) your roots are so deep that you will not tumble off like a tumble weed.