Open Door

How is it that you reach out into so many people’s lives knowing exactly what they need to pursue a life with you? My walk towards you wasn’t straight and definitely not perfect. It started out with a prayer asking for you to save my uncle from his cancer. He didn’t make it and I was pretty angry. I didn’t understand how this man I had just gotten to know could be taken away from me so quickly. I didn’t know that I had opened up a door in my heart for you.

The door was a smidge open. Occasionally the door would open a bit more as I saw other students pursuing a relationship with you. There was one girl who was different. She stood out. I watched her. She was living for you at that young age. I didn’t understand exactly how she was different, I just knew that she seemed happy and content. I wanted to learn more. I began to ask questions. You poured your truth into my heart. I didn’t have any previous knowledge of your truth, but you continued to speak it into my heart and mind. I didn’t even own a bible, but somehow you continued to fill my heart up with these truths. When I finally chose to put you first in my life I knew just enough to understand what had been done for me.

Even after I said that I accepted Jesus as my savior, there were so many times where I didn’t put you first. I was quiet about my faith and who I chose to become. I was ashamed and didn’t know how to really share that part of me with individuals who might not understand. There was one adult I shared my story with at one time and she told me that my perspective was mature. That got me thinking that maybe I didn’t need to hold it in so deep anymore. But I continued to do just that.

I chose to tuck you away in this neat little drawer. It was an actual drawer. I put all of my faith stuff in there. When a friend gave me a Gideon’s bible in the drawer it went. My written story, in the drawer it went. Everything regarding my faith was in that drawer. I would open it up to let you out for a bit. This was a huge struggle for me those first few years. I didn’t really talk about my faith much with anyone. It was all tucked away in this drawer.

Then I found a Christian radio station. It was through this station that I was able to become comfortable with saying your son’s name, Jesus. I chose to attend a Christian college. It was there that I found an awesome adult mentor. He helped to propel my faith in new ways. My faith grew so strong because I was actively pursuing to learn more about you. I learned how to lean on you. I learned how to trust you. I learned just how much you cared. I was putting you first in much of my life.

Today, I still will tuck you a way a bit in my drawer in certain circumstances. But I have been able to finally participate in a small group and lead a group of students at church. Those were dreams of mine in college. Now they are reality. You continue to work on me and help me to grow. I am stronger because I continue to seek after you and your truth. I know just how much you love me. I understand the world better because of you. There are those times where I question when something hard to comprehend happens. In those moments, I choose to lean on you that much more. You give me that strength and power to overcome the challenge I might be facing. It is always amazing how you will care about such small things in my life. There are so many people in this world, but you choose to care enough about me to show me a rainbow in the sky or protect me when driving. I can’t explain how much you mean to me. It’s just beautiful how you have interwoven my story. At times I have a few different pieces, but they don’t fit together. Then you hand me another piece and I understand more of my story. It’s amazing!