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Moving Forward in Hope
Those moments where you just perfectly align everything amaze me beyond belief. I can’t even begin to comprehend how you line everything up so perfectly. You knew that I was struggling. Yesterday, I had an opportunity to talk with my therapist. It was difficult, but definitely needed. I knew what my plan was going forward and I knew it would be challenging. Last night, I took a couple of steps. I reached out to my small group and told them that I had been struggling. Not even two minutes later, I see that there was a rainbow. Eventually, it turned into a double rainbow. That rainbow lasted 20 minutes! Who…
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Unheard Voices of the Childless
I walk into the house and on the floor is a huge pile of toys and books. The kitchen counters are clutters with dishes and rags. My daughter’s room off to the right has a bed unmade, thousands of toys on the floor and clothes everywhere. I see my husband in the kitchen cooking dinner and my baby in the high chair playing with some toys. My daughter isn’t far away, sitting in our living room watching Curious George. However, this isn’t my life, not even close. I’m single with no children. I’ve never been in a long term relationship and at this stage in my life have little hope…
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Facing the Mountain
Life often puts mountains in front of us. Sometimes we face them head-on. Sometimes we look for ways around them. And sometimes we just ignore them all together. That’s what I’m doing right now. I’m ignoring the mountain that’s in front of me. I don’t want to face it. I don’t want to climb it. I don’t even want to see it. It’s hard to face. It’s too painful, but at some point I’ll need to face it. I’m going to have to climb it and not look for ways around it or pretend it’s not even there. So I’m taking baby steps to try to climb the mount because…
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Just Out of Reach
I lost you that day. I had been holding onto the idea of you for so long. I once had a dream of you. I was nursing you and holding you so close. I heard someone whisper your name into my ear. I wanted nothing more than to continue to cherish that moment. I’ve wanted nothing more than for that dream to come true my sweet darling baby girl. But I’ve aged and I haven’t found my person to start that life with. I mourn you more and more every day. The idea of that life feels like it is in my past, not something that can happen now. It…
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God’s the Gardner
God’s the gardener and He needs to pick the weeds out. The weeds of doubts. The weeds of the lies that you tell yourself. If you let Him pull out the weeds from your life, there is more space for His love and more space for Him to help you along the path that He has prepared. Maybe you feel as if your garden is full of weeds and nothing good can ever come from it. Let Him work in your garden (heart & mind) to restore your bed to a more natural way. Letting God is difficult when you don’t feel like you measure up or if there is…
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Interrupt
I knew I was struggling, I just didn’t know how much I was struggling until I took a moment to stop and pause. The last couple of years have really been a lot. My anxiety has definitely increased. I knew I needed to figure out the cause of my heart palpitations. They seemed random. I could tell that when I felt out of control, they were worse or increased in frequency. So I started to interrupt the cycle. Just a little at a time. I started with a daily devotional book, Jesus Calling. Then I introduce another daily devotional via the Bible app on my phone. Then I introduce mediation.…
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Just the Simplest of Things
It’s the simplest things which remind me of you. When you show your colors in the evening sky around sunset, it amazes me. There is so much beauty to be seen. When you insert a friend from church in the neighborhood, you continue to remind me that you are there. You continue to put things in my life that remind me of your goodness. The other day when my tooth was sort of weird, well, I prayed, and then it got better. It seemed silly to ask, but you even care about an individual tooth. I love that you love the details of all of our lives. It makes me…
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I’m Ready Now
I wait. I listen. I’m on this journey. Sometimes it doesn’t go the way that I envision it. But you see the big picture. You know what is next in this journey. You have given me the strength to take the next steps. What I didn’t know is that you have been putting this on my heart for years. Maybe it’s been part of your plan and I was trying to take a different path. I’m ready now. I’m ready to make peace with the next step. It means that I have to make peace with coming to terms of not being a biological mom. I’m ready to be a…
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Like a Toddler
When I reach for your hand I expect it to be there like always. No matter what you grab it back without hesitation. That’s what makes you so amazing God! I often pull my hand away saying “I’ve got this!” But in reality that’s when I need you the most. I’ve learned to hang onto your hand even when you feel far away. Right now I need to hang onto your hand like a toddler would. I just want you to be so close as I struggle with my pain again. I need you to comfort me. Holding your hand feels so comforting. Can you walk with me as I…
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Evict Anger
What anger do you need to evict from your life? Do you need to forgive yourself? Are you holding onto a grudge from many years ago? It’s time to let those go. How do you let go of the anger that you hold deep within your heart? You can pray to God asking him to clear your heart of this anger. You can focus on the positive moments. You could spend time in nature. There are so many options. Holding onto anger is not good for your soul. It takes up room in your heart and brain that could be replaced with so much more than anger. If anger holds…